apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
