the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
