She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
