I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
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