you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
