What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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