Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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