I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
