Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I puked a lego.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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