Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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