I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
