feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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