so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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