he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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