fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
