if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
