Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
