I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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