sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
