you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
