question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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