i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He did a backflip because drugs
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
