Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
