saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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