I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i love accidental penises.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
