Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
