I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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