True but thats because hes a fetus.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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