i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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