AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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