There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We have started to decorate penises.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
