shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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