I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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