just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
