I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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