I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
