i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
