I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
