I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
