I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
