I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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