in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
