he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
