do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
