Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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