cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
