I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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