I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
