I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
