apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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