i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
