He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
