why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
